my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
