Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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