The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
