remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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