Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
