put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
