the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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