the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
