Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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