we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
