he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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