I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
