The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Houston, we have a squirter
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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