I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
