the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
