My sheets look like a crime scene.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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