you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
