You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
