There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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