You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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