Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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