I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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