can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
