You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Bring me that man meat
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
