I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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