is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
