In the future we'll all be gay
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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