There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
