how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
