Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
