girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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