Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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