someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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