Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
