I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize