I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
