I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
