if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
