Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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