Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my being single is dangerous.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
