im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
