your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
