he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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