Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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