i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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