I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
