im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize