yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
