so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
