I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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