If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
