i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
