i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
