do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
