The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
