Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
