Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
