The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
