I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
