im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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